Shades of Darkness (Trials of Fear Book 2) Page 21

  “Mom helped me settle back into my apartment when I was discharged from the hospital. I sank into a bad depression, and she took care of everything for a few days. Helped me get settled. She wanted me to go home with her, but I didn’t want to. Also, we hadn’t gone to court yet, and the police preferred I stayed put while everything was sorted out.

  “She went home, and I stayed in my apartment and wished I was dead. It wasn’t until I had to attend follow-up appointments and meet with my lawyer that shit started to get real. The first time I tried to leave my apartment after I got home, it was like being stuck in some kind of nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. The reaction I had to the sunlight hit me out of nowhere, and I was still weak from everything that had happened. It was like my entire body was engulfed in flames, and I was burning alive. When I managed to get my ass back inside, I hid in my closet in the dark for hours. I was alone, and I didn’t know what to do. It just spiraled from there.”

  “Do your parents know about your Heliophobia?”

  I sighed. Using a hand, I turned his face toward me. “They don’t because I don’t want them to worry about me. They are four provinces away and have enough shit on their plate. They can’t afford to travel, and I can’t go home. There is no point. We chat on the phone, but as far as they’re concerned, it’s a thing of the past. Can we talk about something else now?”

  Adrian nodded and pressed his lips together. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

  Silence returned. I drew Adrian against my side, and he tucked his head under my chin. There was something comforting about having him in my arms. I’d opened up. I’d shared. I’d risked being vulnerable with Adrian, yet, I felt calmer at that moment than I had in a long, long time.

  After an extended period of neither of us speaking, my stomach growled. Adrian chuckled against my neck and turned his face. “Are you hungry?”

  “I just woke up when you got here. I could use some breakfast. Do you want to stick around and eat?”

  His smile shone. “I’d love to.”

  I kissed him as I pulled him on top of me. My heart sang, and I had to fight not to become aroused again. As much as I wanted desperately to explore more of Adrian, I thought it best I allowed him time to absorb—allowed me time to absorb.

  I made us some breakfast sausage and eggs, brewed a fresh pot of coffee, and served everything on the living room coffee table. I flicked on the dim lamp for Adrian’s benefit even though he told me he was fine without it.

  We ate in silence, but I caught him watching me between bites, and when our eyes met, he smiled and dropped his gaze.

  After breakfast, I couldn’t fight the craving for a smoke, so I went out on the balcony while Adrian insisted on cleaning dishes. A short time later, the balcony door slid open, and Adrian came and leaned beside me. I took a final drag off my smoke and butted it out in the ashtray.

  “It’s weird without Samson here.” I watched him, but his gaze was fixed in the distance.

  “You need to move. Find someplace that will allow you to have a cat.” And get away from those jackasses you live with.

  Adrian didn’t answer, but his expression shifted to something that resembled disappointment or sadness. I wanted to ask about his roommates. Maybe my concern was unfounded, but my past wouldn’t let me shake it off. Anyone who experienced bullying had my sympathy.

  “I’ve never had a boyfriend before.” The statement came out of nowhere, and Adrian turned to face me.

  “Is that what you want?” I asked, nervous butterflies erupting in my gut. The truth was, neither had I.

  “Is it what you want?” he countered.

  I chuckled and hooked a finger through his belt loop, dragging him closer. “I have a list of problems longer than my arm. Krew says I’m kinda an asshole, but there is no kinda about it. I’m not sure how good of a boyfriend I would be since I have no experience at it. But, I think it’s something I’d like to explore. With you.”

  He pushed his glasses up his nose and shifted his focus to my chest. “Why me?”

  “I don’t know. You caught my attention the first day I opened the door and found you standing there. You were awkward but so determined, and I was anything but cooperative. You’re cute and fucking smart as hell. You…” I swallowed hard, trying to put into words what his presence had always done for me. “You… you take away some of the darkness. You make me smile. I… something about you makes me believe the world isn’t half as awful as I’ve made it out to be. Like maybe there is hope. Maybe I can learn to trust.”

  I pulled his chin up and swam in his dark irises which I knew were a dark brown even though they always appeared black in my shadowed world. Color was something I’d lost when I was thrust into darkness. Everything was a variation of gray and black. It wasn’t until I’d met Adrian and found myself lost in his gaze that I’d missed color and wished to see his eyes for what they truly were.

  “It doesn’t bother you that I’m a—”

  I kissed him once and smiled against his lips. “You’re not anymore.”

  “But we didn’t.”

  “Sex is more than one thing, Adrian. It can be experienced in all kinds of ways.”

  What I wanted to tell him was that I’d never had anything more intimate or meaningful than what we’d already shared, but it sounded lame to my own ears, so I stayed quiet.

  We kissed some more. Nothing overly intense but a simple sharing and closeness. Adrian’s fingers grazed my arms. “Do you have more tattoos?”

  “Some across my chest.”

  “Did you get them before?”

  “Yeah. Can’t sit in a bright tattoo parlor for that long anymore or else I’d probably be covered.”

  “I like them.”

  His thumb circled the flames around my wrist. I’d always found that particular tattoo to be ironic in a way. Of all the things I would have chosen to put on my body, I’d unknowingly put flames. I had no idea at that time that the sense of my skin burning under the hot sun would be a thing of nightmares.

  We spent the entire night together. A lot of time talking, and many more hours exploring in the bedroom. I kept our activities limited to hands and mouths, despite Adrian’s obvious desire to do more. He’d shied away from giving head at first, convinced he’d mess it up somehow, but I convinced him there was no possible way of that happening so long as he didn’t involve teeth. When he tried, he was way better than he gave himself credit for, but I joked and told him he’d need more practice. A lot.

  In the pre-dawn, we lay on the couch tangled together in our half-dressed state. We both drifted in and out of sleep, and part of me wanted to invite him to stay, to sleep beside me in bed, but I stalled, and the words never passed my lips.

  “I should go,” Adrian said on a yawn. He shifted in my arms but didn’t get up.

  “How are things at your place? Are your roommates still bothering you?”

  He huffed a humorless laugh. “Bothering me is what they live for. I’ll be okay. I can handle them.”

  He’d said that many times. I wished I could believe it. I had thought I had a handle on things at one time, too, and it had all gone to hell.

  “It’s okay,” he assured again. “I’ll be going home to sleep, and then, I’m going to work on my presentation. Sunday nights are mostly quiet. Then, I work the following night. I’m good at avoidance.”

  “That’s no way to live.”

  “Until I can move out, I have no other choice.”

  Adrian nuzzled under my chin, his body lying half on top of mine as I stroked his back under his shirt. He’d told me about his awards and the honor of giving a presentation to new students. He’d also explained about his father and how he couldn’t move without causing a problem.

  Sighing, he wormed from my arms.

  “Will you text me if they give you trouble?”

  He looked back over his shoulder. “And what will you do?”

  What could I do? Seeing as how they’d prob
ably cause an issue during daylight hours, I was screwed.

  “Don’t hesitate to come back here. I don’t mind.” Stay, my mind screamed.

  “Thanks. I’ll be fine.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Adrian

  I didn’t see Rory all week. We texted daily, but I feared overstepping my boundaries. Although our messages were plentiful, and he continually expressed concern for my wellbeing, he never once invited me over. On Saturday evening, I paced with my phone in hand, wanting to go see him, but nervous about sounding too needy.

  It wasn’t dark yet, but I knew he’d be getting up soon. I wanted to grab coffees and show up like I had the previous Saturday. In fact, I wanted a repeat of the past weekend. All of it. More. One taste of Rory had set me on edge, and I’d jerked off more times that week than I probably had all year—which was a terrible thing when I shared a house with three people who always seemed out to get me.

  Deciding to risk it, I locked my room and headed out with the intention of walking to Rory’s. The sun was nearly set, but the heat of the day still hung in the air. I was halfway to the coffee house when my phone buzzed with Rory’s notification noise. I slipped it from my pocket and opened his message.

  Are you busy tonight?

  A smile broke out across my face as I typed a reply.

  Was grabbing coffee and coming over to surprise you. Is that all right?

  More than all right, he answered.

  In under twenty minutes, I knocked on his door. He was dressed in worn jeans and a plain black T-shirt. His hair wasn’t gelled or styled, and a few longer strands fell into his eyes. He pushed them back and took the tray of coffees before waving me inside.

  His curtains were drawn tight around all the windows, and there were no lights on. The darkness was intense, and I stood blind for a minute while my eyes adjusted.

  “The sun’s down,” I informed him. “You can open your curtains now.” The moonlight at least helped chase away part of the problem.

  He stood silently by his coffee table, unmoving, and I couldn’t make out the expression on his face, so I didn’t know if my statement had upset him. After a pause, he flicked on the tableside lamp instead. His brow was definitely in a state of worry, but I didn’t know if it was my comment or the dim light causing it.

  The previous weekend, I hadn’t mentioned Dr. Kelby or her offer, but I knew I couldn’t put it off much longer. If Rory wanted to be part of her study, we needed to let her know before the offer was void. Not that she’d mentioned an expiry date.

  We stood silently staring at one another. It was an awkward moment of indecision on both our parts. My heart thrummed a steady pulse, and I wanted more than anything to take the initiative and go to him, but my feet froze. It’d been a long week filled with amazing memories of us together. Did he enjoy it as much as I had?

  Rory’s gaze fell to where he’d placed the coffees, his tell-tale signs of anxiety increased. “There will still be a hint of lightness in the sky on the horizon. I know it’s stupid, but I don’t open my curtains until at least a half-hour or more past sundown… To be safe.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  He shrugged and handed me a coffee. We sat together, but the gap between us felt vast like a canyon had materialized out of nowhere, and everything we’d shared had fallen inside, forgotten. What we’d shared the previous weekend no longer felt real. Had I dreamed it all? Did I do something wrong?

  We drained our coffees and Rory rose and pulled back the curtains. Then, he disappeared onto the balcony without a word. I sat alone, wondering if I should go, wishing for at least the company of the cat. Rory had technically invited me over before he knew I was on my way. He wanted me there, but yet, he acted as though something was off between us.

  Feeling increasingly stupid, I shot off the couch and found my shoes. Just as I was about to escape, Rory’s voice halted me.

  “Don’t go. Please.”

  The furrow in his brow and warble in his plea stilled me. When I turned, he stood hovered just inside the sliding door.

  “I don’t understand.” So much for all those damn courses in behavioral psychology.

  Rory crossed the room and took my hand. His breathing was labored, and his eye contact fleeting. Before I could ask why, he tugged me toward his bedroom. Once we crossed the threshold, he dropped his hold and moved to the window where he pulled the curtain aside there as well. The dark sky was highlighted by a simple slice of the moon which gave the edges of the furniture a silver glow.

  When he reached for the lamp on the bedside table, I shook my head. “It’s okay. You don’t have to.”

  “No, I do.”

  He clicked it on, spilling a dull yellow light into the room where it chased away the remaining shadows. It was then when Rory stilled. His eyes were vacant, and for a moment, I was scared of what was happening. There was no lust pouring off him. Bringing me to his room was not sex-related. He was at war, and the war he was battling was evident on his face and in his robotic actions. I knew enough to wait him out. Whatever had brought him that far was finding the strength to emerge.

  Wordlessly, Rory reached for the hem on his T-shirt and pulled it over his head, dropping it to the ground beside him. His shoulders heaved with each strained breath, and his focus was somewhere far away. The moment I knew what he was doing, I froze.

  “I spent all week thinking about us. What I wanted. Where we could take it. How much I’d shared, and how much I’d held back. No one has ever seen the full extent of the damage that was done to me. Not my doctors, not my mother, not even Krew.”

  “You don’t have to show me.”

  His eyes lifted. “But that’s just it, I already have. There is physical damage—which those people have all seen—and then, there is this.” He tapped his temple. “I’ve never let anyone see the scars up here, but last weekend, I tore down that wall and let you see everything. I don’t even know why I did it, except, I’ve never felt more at ease with anyone before in my life. You don’t judge me, you don’t pity me, and in some ways, you understand.”

  I held my breath. There was something profound about Rory’s speech, and I feared even breathing might frighten him off if I wasn’t careful.

  “You do something to me, Adrian. You make me want to open up, allow myself to be vulnerable again, and take that chance. Trust. So, I asked myself, if I was so willing to let you see the damage inside, why was I so afraid of letting you see the damage outside? When I had you on my bed last weekend, it was a barrier I didn’t enjoy. So, I’m taking it down.”

  With those final words, he turned and let his chin fall to his chest. His shoulders no longer heaved, but he trembled. Goosebumps rose across his bare skin. His fists remained clenched at his sides.

  The extent of the scarring across his back was intense. Perfect rows where the transplanted skin had been applied stood out. It was shinier than the rest of his skin, even in the dim light, and a different complexion. The damaged areas were primarily across his shoulder blades, but there was a patch on his lower back that disappeared under his jeans.

  I moved to him, rested my hands on his hips, and kissed his shoulder. He stiffened before making a concentrated effort to relax. It was hard for him, and I wouldn’t devalue what he’d shared by telling him it didn’t matter and that I saw beyond the scars—even though it was the truth. Because to Rory, it mattered a whole lot and he couldn’t yet see past the damage of his past.

  “Thank you.” What he’d given me was a gift. A piece of himself no one else owned. He’d torn down all his defenses and laid himself unguarded at my feet.

  I pulled him against my chest and linked our fingers. It was a far more intimate moment than anything we’d done the previous week, and I wouldn’t let go until I knew he was ready. Rory might act tough on the outside, but the more I saw him, the more I understood all he’d held locked away from the world.

  The tender moment shifted when Rory turned in my arms and took my face, pulling me int
o a kiss. My blood heated instantly as our tongues twined together, and he worked me out of my clothes. All of my clothes. It was the first time we’d been completely naked together.

  We fell onto the bed, and I was grateful when Rory took control. It wasn’t in my nature to lead, especially when it came to sex since it was all so new to me. His hands and mouth were everywhere at once. He sucked my nipples, licked a trail down to my navel, and palmed my balls as I tried not to squirm.

  Having shared what he did, our bond had strengthened.

  More than anything, I wanted him to fuck me, but that was a line where Rory seemed hesitant.

  He licked lower, circling the crown of my dick before sucking me into the back of his throat. Lifting my head, I watched as he set a steady pace. The moans escaping me were out of my control. He took me to the brink then pulled back right before I toppled the edge, then, he focused on my balls as I calmed. Over and over, he sucked me until I could do nothing more than blubber and whimper, begging for release. Still, he denied me.

  “Have you ever had anything in your ass?” he asked as he lifted off me with a pop.

  My mind was clouded and buzzing, but I shook my head as he sucked a finger into his mouth. The anticipation of what he was about to do set me on fire.

  “Try to relax.”

  Oh, God, was this it? Was he going to fuck me?

  His mouth was back on my straining erection, licking and sucking a slower rhythm. The wet finger circled my entrance, and I automatically clenched. He didn’t apply pressure until I relaxed again, then he edged it inside little by little.

  It was weird and uncomfortable at first, but his action on my dick provided enough distraction to keep me relaxed. When he sank the digit in farther, a zing of pleasure shot over my entire body making me arch off the bed with a cry.

  “Holy fuck.”